Kittens and dresses and ham and cheese sandwich
Measuring the length of horses with handwiths
Fine dancing monkeys and mustard and cress
These are the things that I think are the best
Jelly and ice cream and cake on your birthday
Thinking of somebody using a bidet
Spurn coffee Revels and eat all the rest
These are the things that I think are the best

I think of them and I smile
Though it’s raining outside and it’s stormy
Disappear to a welcoming place
Where the problems of the world ignore me
Whenever I’m lonely or sad
Whenever I’m troubled or tearful
I think of the things that are best in my head
And the world doesn’t seem so fearful

Crispy fried bacon, all dripping with lard
Hide and seek played in a Viking graveyard
Sipping cocoa in a long game of chess
These are the things that I think are the best
Exotic vegetables like ladyfingers
Catcher In The Rye by JD Salinger
A burly sea-captain who’s wearing a vest
These are the things that I think are the best

I think of them and I smile
Though it’s raining outside and it’s stormy
Disappear to a welcoming place
Where the problems of the world ignore me
Whenever I’m lonely or sad
Whenever I’m troubled or tearful
I think of the things that are best in my head
And the world doesn’t seem so fearful

The hacksaws they use to cut bone in the butchers
MTV’s Punk’d starring one Ashton Kutcher
Digging a pit to be filled up with cess
These are the things that I think are the best
Spending July on the French Riviera
First name Christina, surname Aguilera
Beating all comers in belching contests
These are the things that I think are the best

Filling a fishtank with gravel and fishes
Eating a pie that is truly delishiz
Wandering over a heath with a spaniel
Naming your microwave Viceroy Nathaniel
Filling a Wellington boot up with chutney
Dick Dastardly and his co-pilot Muttley
Making things totally over the top
Never quite knowing just when to say stop