Gonna take a little walk and then we're Gonna do a little talking, then we're Gonna take a little picnic basket Filled with a range of mature cheddars Gonna take that cheese and we're Gonna match it with some biscuits and we're Gonna eat those aforementioned cheese and Biscuits 'til WE'VE HAD ENOUGH Gonna take a Mini Babybel and Gonna split it into two and then we're Gonna each take a half and then that's Half for me and half for you, now That's never gonna fill us so we're Gonna take a second Babybel We'll start the process over 'til We've run right out of Mini Babybels, MERCY I'm hoping that you like my biscuit assortment I'm hoping that you're not lactose intolerant I'm hoping that you're contemplating on This picnic as a prelude to getting it on Gonna take out a Thermos flask Gonna unscrew the Thermos flask It's filled with a lovely homemade soup MULLIGATAWNY I will drink out the Thermos lid but I brought a mug for you 'specially I'm hoping that attention to crockery detail Really drives you wild I'm hoping that you like my biscuit assortment I'm hoping that you're not lactose intolerant I'm hoping that you're contemplating on This picnic as a prelude to getting it on It's come to the end of the picnic and we're Moving in so close now And I'm trying to guess if you were thinking on This picnic as a prelude to getting it on Do you really want to kiss me or Are you trying to say that you're still hungry Is it just too much for me to ask You want a piece of Battenburg or a piece of my bottom? I'm hoping that you like my biscuit assortment I'm hoping that you're not lactose intolerant I'm hoping that you're contemplating on This picnic as a prelude to getting it on

We broke up and then the story began Because in full view of me you had to get a man And I knew that he would be but a pale imitation Of the one that you had just left with such remonstration Before you dated me there was a list of guys They all had a guitar and opthalmically weak eyes Now this new guy, though he's rich and been in jail I bet he still buys his shoes in the Clarks Christmas sale Though in all the world, you could have had your pick Though he's almost identical to me, your new boyfriend is a dick Of course we get on, it's like looking in a mirror We exchanged quotations from the Smiths as we sat down to dinner How could I be so dumb to think that we should stay in touch Your boyfriend said "I think I've got that shirt", and it was all too much You're so weird, it's almost perverse You wouldn't date a guy til you'd seen his biography first You said "Oh, I think you guys are from the same part of town" And it's like "Shit, I knew I knew you, you lived two houses down" Though in all the world you could have had your pick Though he's almost identical to me, your boyfriend is not very nice And he says "You didn't go to the same school as me We did play you guys at rugby We beat you quite soundly as I remember it" Dude, this is so not the time for oneupmanship All her boyfriends are the same, it's right under your nose She's turning her lovelife to Attack of the Clones And he says "Actually I prefer the Original Trilogy" And I say "Of course you do, that's exactly the same opinion as me" And incidentally, anyone over the age of nine Just looking in his eyes I see the same optimist That thinks that he can make it where the ones before have missed Their only opportunity to be by her side To play the monster while she plays Frankenstein's Bride I can't stand to look in his eager face It's reminding me of everything about me that I hate Oh that I could change, so that I could not be A reflection of the guy who's a reflection of me I'd be female, I'd be short and fat I'd be so far from anything that made me anything like that I'd be George Clooney, I'd be George Alagiah I'd be the Crazy World Of Arthur Brown and set my head on fire I'd be Sandi Toksvig, I'd be Naomi Campbell Though I don't know what he looks like, I'd be George Frederich Handel I'd be Jodie Foster, I'd be Anthony Hopkins I'd be the Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince And though you shine brighter than the light from Venus It's clear to me your new boyfriend is a massive penis

The results of David's autopsy Were a surprise to Charles and me For though we thought his wounds were self-inflicted David met his end more violently David was murdered, the autopsy proved it David was murdered, I wonder who dooed it Sometimes it's better to never know Sometimes it's better to know, I now know Somebody did him wrong And just like some suggested all along, WOAH David was murdered, by whom I wonder still David was murdered, the stab wounds were fatal We took him to a clinic but it was ante-natal He needed help for a dying man They could only offer nappies and an ultrasound scan We thought it was an accident But it was a vengeful act of brutal judgement David was murdered, by whom I wonder still OH, to be murdered is a frightfully horrid thing Just imagine, David hears a knock at the door "Oh, who could that be? Good lord, it's someone come to murder me" David was murdered by a cowardly attacker I wish that I was Robbie Coltrane in Cracker Then I'd find out the reason why David was murdered so insensitively I've got a lot of work to do Cause apparently now I am a suspect too David was murdered but I don't know who David was murdered by, if I knew He'd receive some justice Though he died so young Oh David, you were the one Oh David, you were the one...

We were out on the town, it was around 8pm We were outside the restaurant, we decided to go in It was a nice little place, she had been here before It was our third date, I hoped there'd be more And she's a down-the-line woman, determined and precise And I'm no good at choosing, 'cause I know what I'm like I'm a procrastinator which I know that she hates, so She chose the restaurant and she arranged the date We looked at the menu, the list was pretty long Full of pretty nice things, it would be hard to choose wrong And I'm no good at choosing, but I know what I like I ordered a salad, she told the waiter in delight I'll have the steak and he'll have the ladyfood Think I'll have my steak done rare, and he'll have the ladyfood And I said "Now wait a minute, woman, men can eat salads too" She quaffed her Sauvignon Blanc and said "Oh yeah, says you" And I said "Don't emasculate me over a bowl of greens" And she said "Ladyfood! Ladyfood!" I mean now, what does that mean? I'm a modern man, this much I comprehend Yeah, I cried at ET, but only at the end And yeah, she's eating cow and on a lettuce I graze But doesn't a crouton count for shit these days? I'll have the steak and he'll have the ladyfood Think I'll have my steak done rare, and he'll have the ladyfood When this relationship ends, I'll have no regret I'll just drizzle it lightly in a vinaigrette I'll throw some pine nuts on it, put it in a bowl Serve it up with feta cheese and eat it whole You better believe I ate that salad, I ate it like a man No cucumber 'scaped my wrath, I'm sure you understand Man, I killed that salad, wanna testify But I don't think she was as impressed as I I'll have the steak and he'll have the ladyfood Think I'll have my steak done rare, and he'll have the ladyfood

At several points in my life, I've thought I'd discovered how to make people like me I've found that's the equivalent of covering yourself in pigs blood And saying to a shark, "Come and bite me" Or covering yourself in pigs blood And saying "Look, I'm Carrie!" There's nothing dignified about that I thought I was being funny but I was only being a twat I'd like to apologise to my friend Pete's wife Susan Let me shampoo that carpet again And to Peter himself - you know that party wasn't about me I should have used more of my brain And to Susan's friend Zoe who said I had turned The night into a pig's ear I thought I was being funny but I wasn't - that's now painfully clear I'd like to apologise to my parents My career choices haven't been the best And that was never as clear as at Susan and Peter's party It's amazing I eluded arrest OH, Faye Duxberry, she just broke down and cried James Butler threw up in a bin I thought I was being funny but It didn't appear that way to him I'd like to apologise to the pigs whose blood I used To recreate the famous scene from Carrie And to Miss Sissy Spacek - your performance was very good It didn't deserve parody And as I tipped up the bucket, I saw the face of Stephen King He looked at me like I was a turd in his bed I thought I was being funny but I was being a real dickhead I'd like to apologise to whoever directed Carrie Was it John Carpenter? It might have been You had the foresight to cast a young John Travolta And the film's full of well-directed scenes OH, I saw it last Christmas, I liked it a lot But that didn't mean that I should copy it I thought I was being funny but I tipped a bucket of blood over myself at a party What a twit

Seated in the circle, in the royal box We shushed the kids and stopped the clocks The gentlemen in tuxes and the ladies in frocks It had finally arrived The day we had been promised since last July The twinkle we saw in the producer's eye She accepted the job and she knew just why What a glorious ride The lights, the tights, theatrical fights The height of fame, her name in lights She might just set the stage alight We'll see No-one expected it, some rejected it Nicholas Hytner at the National directed it A certifiable CASH COW When the TV presenter with no previous experience Of musical theatre began to sing In a role made famous by Elaine Page The TV Presenter stood centre stage Theatrical purists wrung their hands in rage Not knowing what to feel And there she stood, Maria Callas reborn Standing in the glare of theatrical dawn Many a programme screwed up in scorn But that's part of the deal You choose the boos, but you refuse To let reviews persecute you In moments few begins your brand new start She was still pausing, she was taking it all in The critic from the FT started sinking his claws in She'd have to start any moment now When the TV Presenter with no previous experience Of musical theatre began to sing And it was long, that first note High, that first note Would she drop at the first hurdle she came to? The pens would drip blood on the notebooks Mud would be thrown at her good looks Why would she ever put herself through this? Tenderly, she sang a middle C She pulled it off, so she sang a G An F and an A, a C and a B It sounded rather sweet The audience looked at their fellow man They nodded once, and then the smiling began And from the upper tiers, the cheering rang They rose to their feet The cynics had been proven wrong! The run would be "The Mousetrap" long! She'd only sung half a song, but hey! She could really sing! Put her face on everything! Only two months before the backlash begins! A certifiable CASH COW When the TV Presenter with no previous experience Of musical theatre began to sing

Flowers, look at all the lovely flowers There are so many different types of flowers I would like to eat them all Nasturtiums, look at their vibrant colours You may eat them in a posh man’s salad Or you may eat them on their own I was wandering through fields near Amsterdam Filled my tum with tulips, out came a man He tried to shoot me but hooray My shoes were faster than clogs any day Tulips are one of Holland’s largest exports Along with pornographic literature and barges And the paintings of Vermeer Vermeer, if he was not dead He would paint me eating whole bunches of flowers So I could not give them to you Waiting for you at the train station With a lovely bunch of carnations When I give them to you, one is not amused They are only stalks for I have eaten the blooms Love is a curious distraction I would rather be out watering and weeding That’s my form of haute cuisine A venus flytrap is the only flower that will bite back It fills me with the thrill of the kill I will eat it just the same When eating flowers think on your feet For once I found this flower that looked so sweet Turned out to be the poppy opium And in the morning, I had a terrible headache Flowers, please join me eating flowers It can get rather lonely, ostracised and vilified Just because you eat flowers

Tuesday brings another bleak day to the school Of the Performing Arts The whisper dissipating round the Common Room He's come for us Some are filled with joy, others filled with scorn Some they rue the day that they were ever born But someone's going to get it The patronage of Elton John Elton picks them randomly A band or singer to be his friend Tarnished by association They speed towards their career's end Trapped for all time, champagne in hand Under the gazebo with Victoria Beckham But someone's going to get it The patronage of Elton John And the corridors sing And the corridors sing Oh, to be picked by him And namechecked in interviews I don't want that albatross, I shy away Others mocking me I mumble "If you want examples Look at Live 8 and Pete Docherty. Elton says treat Pete with leniency He's just the same as I was in the '70s And I'm still standing now" The SELF-QUOTATION of Elton John As he walks, he jingles Like a tambourine in a tracksuit He'll never think of picking me I've chosen to play my nose-flute He points a chubby digit Who will it be? It points in my direction The bastard's chosen me I've gone and sodding got it The patronage of Elton John And the corridors sing, and the corridors sing Oh, to be picked by him And namechecked in interviews And I try to sing, and I try to sing BUT MY VOICE JUST SOUNDS LIKE HIM And it was going oh so well The Scissor Sisters, Rufus Wainwright Now me, I've already had enough The metric tonne of jewellery he bought me Feels like handcuffs I'm not selling out, I've just been bought I've become a jester in King Elton's court Just another guy who's not quite as good as Elton John A pox on creativity, I desire ignominy I give up the singer's life and duly embrace accountancy Surrounded by pluses and minuses 'cause you can't strew a spreadsheet with crocuses A lucky escape from the patronage of Elton John And the corridors sing, and the corridors sing Oh, to be picked by him And namechecked in interviews And I try to sing, and I try to sing Oh don't let me be like him

Well we went to the surf hop on the beach We drank Coca-cola, my buddies and me, and we surfed And so I saw this girl across the golden sand I walked up to her and I held her hand and we danced She was so fine in the California summertime I talked to her, yeah, I talked to her About the sand and the surf and the sun in the sky She said she’d never surfed but she’d like to try, oh my And so I gave her a wetsuit that my sister had worn And we walked to the sea and I pushed her out on a board She was so fine in the California summertime But she was the one, the first to succumb To Shark Attack on Surf Cove USA Shark Attack on Surf Cove USA I saw the dorsal fin across the ocean blue I could have saved her skin but I didn’t know what to do And my girl didn’t see the shark approaching She was awaiting my surfing coaching, oh no She was so fine in the California summertime But she was the one, the first to succumb To Shark Attack on Surf Cove USA Shark Attack on Surf Cove USA Shark in the water, shark in the water Somebody screamed, “hey dude, that’s my daughter!” And before my eyes all the images flew Of all the things that the teeth of shark can do To pretty girls in my sister’s wetsuit But you wouldn’t believe what happened then She stood upon her board and she hung ten, oh wow Turned out she was a surfing natural She rode that wave all matter of factual She was so fine in the California summertime Ironically, the very next week She was surfing on the sea like a pro would do And someone shouted “shark” but she knew what to do She stood right up upon her waxed surfboard and The next thing I knew she was in its jaws The surf was red from my baby’s blood Somebody said “She shouldn’ta oughta been so smug” And as the shark dragged her under, I thought “oh bummer, That’s really put a crimp on the rest of summer” She was so fine in the California summertime But she was the one, the first to succumb To Shark Attack on Surf Cove USA Shark Attack on Surf Cove USA