The Wateracre Pretrospective

by Tom Wateracre

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Download this album for an exclusive (and now somewhat dated) bonus track "Ballad of Pete & Kate"!

credits

released February 27, 2011

All songs written by Tom Wateracre
Recorded live at the Cornerhouse in Surbiton on 8 June 2007

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Tom Wateracre Greater London, UK

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Track Name: Getting It On
Gonna take a little walk and then we're
Gonna do a little talking, then we're
Gonna take a little picnic basket
Filled with a range of mature cheddars
Gonna take that cheese and we're
Gonna match it with some biscuits and we're
Gonna eat those aforementioned cheese and
Biscuits 'til WE'VE HAD ENOUGH

Gonna take a Mini Babybel and
Gonna split it into two and then we're
Gonna each take a half and then that's
Half for me and half for you, now
That's never gonna fill us so we're
Gonna take a second Babybel
We'll start the process over 'til
We've run right out of Mini Babybels, MERCY

I'm hoping that you like my biscuit assortment
I'm hoping that you're not lactose intolerant
I'm hoping that you're contemplating on
This picnic as a prelude to getting it on

Gonna take out a Thermos flask
Gonna unscrew the Thermos flask
It's filled with a lovely homemade soup
MULLIGATAWNY
I will drink out the Thermos lid but
I brought a mug for you 'specially
I'm hoping that attention to crockery detail
Really drives you wild

I'm hoping that you like my biscuit assortment
I'm hoping that you're not lactose intolerant
I'm hoping that you're contemplating on
This picnic as a prelude to getting it on

It's come to the end of the picnic and we're
Moving in so close now
And I'm trying to guess if you were thinking on
This picnic as a prelude to getting it on
Do you really want to kiss me or
Are you trying to say that you're still hungry
Is it just too much for me to ask
You want a piece of Battenburg or a piece of my bottom?

I'm hoping that you like my biscuit assortment
I'm hoping that you're not lactose intolerant
I'm hoping that you're contemplating on
This picnic as a prelude to getting it on
Track Name: New Boyfriend
We broke up and then the story began
Because in full view of me you had to get a man
And I knew that he would be but a pale imitation
Of the one that you had just left with such remonstration

Before you dated me there was a list of guys
They all had a guitar and opthalmically weak eyes
Now this new guy, though he's rich and been in jail
I bet he still buys his shoes in the Clarks Christmas sale

Though in all the world, you could have had your pick
Though he's almost identical to me, your new boyfriend is a dick

Of course we get on, it's like looking in a mirror
We exchanged quotations from the Smiths as we sat down to dinner
How could I be so dumb to think that we should stay in touch
Your boyfriend said "I think I've got that shirt", and it was all too much

You're so weird, it's almost perverse
You wouldn't date a guy til you'd seen his biography first
You said "Oh, I think you guys are from the same part of town"
And it's like "Shit, I knew I knew you, you lived two houses down"

Though in all the world you could have had your pick
Though he's almost identical to me, your boyfriend is not very nice

And he says
"You didn't go to the same school as me
We did play you guys at rugby
We beat you quite soundly as I remember it"
Dude, this is so not the time for oneupmanship

All her boyfriends are the same, it's right under your nose
She's turning her lovelife to Attack of the Clones
And he says "Actually I prefer the Original Trilogy"
And I say "Of course you do, that's exactly the same opinion as me"

And incidentally, anyone over the age of nine

Just looking in his eyes I see the same optimist
That thinks that he can make it where the ones before have missed
Their only opportunity to be by her side
To play the monster while she plays Frankenstein's Bride

I can't stand to look in his eager face
It's reminding me of everything about me that I hate
Oh that I could change, so that I could not be
A reflection of the guy who's a reflection of me

I'd be female, I'd be short and fat
I'd be so far from anything that made me anything like that
I'd be George Clooney, I'd be George Alagiah
I'd be the Crazy World Of Arthur Brown and set my head on fire

I'd be Sandi Toksvig, I'd be Naomi Campbell
Though I don't know what he looks like, I'd be George Frederich Handel
I'd be Jodie Foster, I'd be Anthony Hopkins
I'd be the Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince

And though you shine brighter than the light from Venus
It's clear to me your new boyfriend is a massive penis
Track Name: Song From An Inappropriate Musical
The results of David's autopsy
Were a surprise to Charles and me
For though we thought his wounds were self-inflicted
David met his end more violently

David was murdered, the autopsy proved it
David was murdered, I wonder who dooed it
Sometimes it's better to never know
Sometimes it's better to know, I now know

Somebody did him wrong
And just like some suggested all along, WOAH
David was murdered, by whom I wonder still

David was murdered, the stab wounds were fatal
We took him to a clinic but it was ante-natal
He needed help for a dying man
They could only offer nappies and an ultrasound scan

We thought it was an accident
But it was a vengeful act of brutal judgement
David was murdered, by whom I wonder still

OH, to be murdered is a frightfully horrid thing
Just imagine, David hears a knock at the door
"Oh, who could that be?
Good lord, it's someone come to murder me"

David was murdered by a cowardly attacker
I wish that I was Robbie Coltrane in Cracker
Then I'd find out the reason why
David was murdered so insensitively

I've got a lot of work to do
Cause apparently now I am a suspect too

David was murdered but I don't know who
David was murdered by, if I knew
He'd receive some justice
Though he died so young

Oh David, you were the one
Oh David, you were the one...
Track Name: Ladyfood
We were out on the town, it was around 8pm
We were outside the restaurant, we decided to go in
It was a nice little place, she had been here before
It was our third date, I hoped there'd be more
And she's a down-the-line woman, determined and precise
And I'm no good at choosing, 'cause I know what I'm like
I'm a procrastinator which I know that she hates, so
She chose the restaurant and she arranged the date

We looked at the menu, the list was pretty long
Full of pretty nice things, it would be hard to choose wrong
And I'm no good at choosing, but I know what I like
I ordered a salad, she told the waiter in delight

I'll have the steak and he'll have the ladyfood
Think I'll have my steak done rare, and he'll have the ladyfood

And I said "Now wait a minute, woman, men can eat salads too"
She quaffed her Sauvignon Blanc and said "Oh yeah, says you"
And I said "Don't emasculate me over a bowl of greens"
And she said "Ladyfood! Ladyfood!" I mean now, what does that mean?
I'm a modern man, this much I comprehend
Yeah, I cried at ET, but only at the end
And yeah, she's eating cow and on a lettuce I graze
But doesn't a crouton count for shit these days?

I'll have the steak and he'll have the ladyfood
Think I'll have my steak done rare, and he'll have the ladyfood

When this relationship ends, I'll have no regret
I'll just drizzle it lightly in a vinaigrette
I'll throw some pine nuts on it, put it in a bowl
Serve it up with feta cheese and eat it whole
You better believe I ate that salad, I ate it like a man
No cucumber 'scaped my wrath, I'm sure you understand
Man, I killed that salad, wanna testify
But I don't think she was as impressed as I

I'll have the steak and he'll have the ladyfood
Think I'll have my steak done rare, and he'll have the ladyfood
Track Name: I Thought I Was Being Funny
At several points in my life, I've thought
I'd discovered how to make people like me
I've found that's the equivalent of covering yourself in pigs blood
And saying to a shark, "Come and bite me"

Or covering yourself in pigs blood
And saying "Look, I'm Carrie!"
There's nothing dignified about that
I thought I was being funny but
I was only being a twat

I'd like to apologise to my friend Pete's wife Susan
Let me shampoo that carpet again
And to Peter himself - you know that party wasn't about me
I should have used more of my brain
And to Susan's friend Zoe who said I had turned
The night into a pig's ear
I thought I was being funny but
I wasn't - that's now painfully clear

I'd like to apologise to my parents
My career choices haven't been the best
And that was never as clear as at Susan and Peter's party
It's amazing I eluded arrest
OH, Faye Duxberry, she just broke down and cried
James Butler threw up in a bin
I thought I was being funny but
It didn't appear that way to him

I'd like to apologise to the pigs whose blood I used
To recreate the famous scene from Carrie
And to Miss Sissy Spacek - your performance was very good
It didn't deserve parody
And as I tipped up the bucket, I saw the face of Stephen King
He looked at me like I was a turd in his bed
I thought I was being funny but
I was being a real dickhead

I'd like to apologise to whoever directed Carrie
Was it John Carpenter? It might have been
You had the foresight to cast a young John Travolta
And the film's full of well-directed scenes
OH, I saw it last Christmas, I liked it a lot
But that didn't mean that I should copy it
I thought I was being funny but
I tipped a bucket of blood over myself at a party
What a twit
Track Name: When The TV Presenter With No Previous Experience Of Musical Theatre Began To Sing
Seated in the circle, in the royal box
We shushed the kids and stopped the clocks
The gentlemen in tuxes and the ladies in frocks
It had finally arrived

The day we had been promised since last July
The twinkle we saw in the producer's eye
She accepted the job and she knew just why
What a glorious ride

The lights, the tights, theatrical fights
The height of fame, her name in lights
She might just set the stage alight
We'll see
No-one expected it, some rejected it
Nicholas Hytner at the National directed it
A certifiable CASH COW
When the TV presenter with no previous experience
Of musical theatre began to sing

In a role made famous by Elaine Page
The TV Presenter stood centre stage
Theatrical purists wrung their hands in rage
Not knowing what to feel

And there she stood, Maria Callas reborn
Standing in the glare of theatrical dawn
Many a programme screwed up in scorn
But that's part of the deal

You choose the boos, but you refuse
To let reviews persecute you
In moments few begins your brand new start

She was still pausing, she was taking it all in
The critic from the FT started sinking his claws in
She'd have to start any moment now
When the TV Presenter with no previous experience
Of musical theatre began to sing

And it was long, that first note
High, that first note
Would she drop at the first hurdle she came to?
The pens would drip blood on the notebooks
Mud would be thrown at her good looks
Why would she ever put herself through this?

Tenderly, she sang a middle C
She pulled it off, so she sang a G
An F and an A, a C and a B
It sounded rather sweet
The audience looked at their fellow man
They nodded once, and then the smiling began
And from the upper tiers, the cheering rang
They rose to their feet

The cynics had been proven wrong!
The run would be "The Mousetrap" long!
She'd only sung half a song, but hey!
She could really sing! Put her face on everything!
Only two months before the backlash begins!
A certifiable CASH COW
When the TV Presenter with no previous experience
Of musical theatre began to sing
Track Name: The Patron
Tuesday brings another bleak day to the school
Of the Performing Arts
The whisper dissipating round the Common Room
He's come for us
Some are filled with joy, others filled with scorn
Some they rue the day that they were ever born
But someone's going to get it
The patronage of Elton John

Elton picks them randomly
A band or singer to be his friend
Tarnished by association
They speed towards their career's end
Trapped for all time, champagne in hand
Under the gazebo with Victoria Beckham
But someone's going to get it
The patronage of Elton John

And the corridors sing
And the corridors sing
Oh, to be picked by him
And namechecked in interviews

I don't want that albatross, I shy away
Others mocking me
I mumble "If you want examples
Look at Live 8 and Pete Docherty.
Elton says treat Pete with leniency
He's just the same as I was in the '70s
And I'm still standing now"
The SELF-QUOTATION of Elton John

As he walks, he jingles
Like a tambourine in a tracksuit
He'll never think of picking me
I've chosen to play my nose-flute
He points a chubby digit
Who will it be?
It points in my direction
The bastard's chosen me
I've gone and sodding got it
The patronage of Elton John

And the corridors sing, and the corridors sing
Oh, to be picked by him
And namechecked in interviews
And I try to sing, and I try to sing
BUT MY VOICE JUST SOUNDS LIKE HIM
And it was going oh so well

The Scissor Sisters, Rufus Wainwright
Now me, I've already had enough
The metric tonne of jewellery he bought me
Feels like handcuffs
I'm not selling out, I've just been bought
I've become a jester in King Elton's court
Just another guy who's not quite as good as Elton John

A pox on creativity, I desire ignominy
I give up the singer's life and duly embrace accountancy
Surrounded by pluses and minuses
'cause you can't strew a spreadsheet with crocuses
A lucky escape from the patronage of Elton John

And the corridors sing, and the corridors sing
Oh, to be picked by him
And namechecked in interviews
And I try to sing, and I try to sing
Oh don't let me be like him