We broke up and then the story began
Because in full view of me you had to get a man
And I knew that he would be but a pale imitation
Of the one that you had just left with such remonstration

Before you dated me there was a list of guys
They all had a guitar and opthalmically weak eyes
Now this new guy, though he's rich and been in jail
I bet he still buys his shoes in the Clarks Christmas sale

Though in all the world, you could have had your pick
Though he's almost identical to me, your new boyfriend is a dick

Of course we get on, it's like looking in a mirror
We exchanged quotations from the Smiths as we sat down to dinner
How could I be so dumb to think that we should stay in touch
Your boyfriend said "I think I've got that shirt", and it was all too much

You're so weird, it's almost perverse
You wouldn't date a guy til you'd seen his biography first
You said "Oh, I think you guys are from the same part of town"
And it's like "Shit, I knew I knew you, you lived two houses down"

Though in all the world you could have had your pick
Though he's almost identical to me, your boyfriend is not very nice

And he says
"You didn't go to the same school as me
We did play you guys at rugby
We beat you quite soundly as I remember it"
Dude, this is so not the time for oneupmanship

All her boyfriends are the same, it's right under your nose
She's turning her lovelife to Attack of the Clones
And he says "Actually I prefer the Original Trilogy"
And I say "Of course you do, that's exactly the same opinion as me"

And incidentally, anyone over the age of nine

Just looking in his eyes I see the same optimist
That thinks that he can make it where the ones before have missed
Their only opportunity to be by her side
To play the monster while she plays Frankenstein's Bride

I can't stand to look in his eager face
It's reminding me of everything about me that I hate
Oh that I could change, so that I could not be
A reflection of the guy who's a reflection of me

I'd be female, I'd be short and fat
I'd be so far from anything that made me anything like that
I'd be George Clooney, I'd be George Alagiah
I'd be the Crazy World Of Arthur Brown and set my head on fire

I'd be Sandi Toksvig, I'd be Naomi Campbell
Though I don't know what he looks like, I'd be George Frederich Handel
I'd be Jodie Foster, I'd be Anthony Hopkins
I'd be the Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince

And though you shine brighter than the light from Venus
It's clear to me your new boyfriend is a massive penis