At several points in my life, I've thought
I'd discovered how to make people like me
I've found that's the equivalent of covering yourself in pigs blood
And saying to a shark, "Come and bite me"

Or covering yourself in pigs blood
And saying "Look, I'm Carrie!"
There's nothing dignified about that
I thought I was being funny but
I was only being a twat

I'd like to apologise to my friend Pete's wife Susan
Let me shampoo that carpet again
And to Peter himself - you know that party wasn't about me
I should have used more of my brain
And to Susan's friend Zoe who said I had turned
The night into a pig's ear
I thought I was being funny but
I wasn't - that's now painfully clear

I'd like to apologise to my parents
My career choices haven't been the best
And that was never as clear as at Susan and Peter's party
It's amazing I eluded arrest
OH, Faye Duxberry, she just broke down and cried
James Butler threw up in a bin
I thought I was being funny but
It didn't appear that way to him

I'd like to apologise to the pigs whose blood I used
To recreate the famous scene from Carrie
And to Miss Sissy Spacek - your performance was very good
It didn't deserve parody
And as I tipped up the bucket, I saw the face of Stephen King
He looked at me like I was a turd in his bed
I thought I was being funny but
I was being a real dickhead

I'd like to apologise to whoever directed Carrie
Was it John Carpenter? It might have been
You had the foresight to cast a young John Travolta
And the film's full of well-directed scenes
OH, I saw it last Christmas, I liked it a lot
But that didn't mean that I should copy it
I thought I was being funny but
I tipped a bucket of blood over myself at a party
What a twit