Kittens and dresses and ham and cheese sandwich Measuring the length of horses with handwiths Fine dancing monkeys and mustard and cress These are the things that I think are the best Jelly and ice cream and cake on your birthday Thinking of somebody using a bidet Spurn coffee Revels and eat all the rest These are the things that I think are the best I think of them and I smile Though it’s raining outside and it’s stormy Disappear to a welcoming place Where the problems of the world ignore me Whenever I’m lonely or sad Whenever I’m troubled or tearful I think of the things that are best in my head And the world doesn’t seem so fearful Crispy fried bacon, all dripping with lard Hide and seek played in a Viking graveyard Sipping cocoa in a long game of chess These are the things that I think are the best Exotic vegetables like ladyfingers Catcher In The Rye by JD Salinger A burly sea-captain who’s wearing a vest These are the things that I think are the best I think of them and I smile Though it’s raining outside and it’s stormy Disappear to a welcoming place Where the problems of the world ignore me Whenever I’m lonely or sad Whenever I’m troubled or tearful I think of the things that are best in my head And the world doesn’t seem so fearful The hacksaws they use to cut bone in the butchers MTV’s Punk’d starring one Ashton Kutcher Digging a pit to be filled up with cess These are the things that I think are the best Spending July on the French Riviera First name Christina, surname Aguilera Beating all comers in belching contests These are the things that I think are the best Filling a fishtank with gravel and fishes Eating a pie that is truly delishiz Wandering over a heath with a spaniel Naming your microwave Viceroy Nathaniel Filling a Wellington boot up with chutney Dick Dastardly and his co-pilot Muttley Making things totally over the top Never quite knowing just when to say stop

You've got a field full of cows That you milk once a day But there's a problem with the cows They keep running away (They don't want to be milked) You could build a fence But it's a really hot day And you won't have to milk them if they all run away So come on everybody! Do the bare minimum! If there's a problem in your life You could sort it out right But it could just be more fun If you just let it slide So don't write a novel Just write an opening line You've achieved something great in much less time So come on everybody! Do the bare minimum! Put your left arm in Don't move it at all Just leave it there We're having a ball Is your left arm still in? Then you're doing it right Is it feeling slightly tingly, like the blood's draining out of your arm? Hey that's really something! You're really doing nothing! Just getting by That's how you get through life No you don't eat the whole pie You just eat a slice And you could write a whole song But why bother?

Seated in the circle, in the royal box We shushed the kids and stopped the clocks The gentlemen in tuxes and the ladies in frocks It had finally arrived The day we had been promised since last July The twinkle we saw in the producer's eye She accepted the job and she knew just why What a glorious ride The lights, the tights, theatrical fights The height of fame, her name in lights She might just set the stage alight We'll see No-one expected it, some rejected it Rufus Norris at the National directed it A certifiable CASH COW When the TV presenter with no previous experience Of musical theatre began to sing In a role made famous by Elaine Page The TV Presenter stood centre stage Theatrical purists wrung their hands in rage Not knowing what to feel And there she stood, Maria Callas reborn Standing in the glare of theatrical dawn Many a programme screwed up in scorn But that's part of the deal You choose the boos, but you refuse To let reviews persecute you In moments few begins your brand new start She was still pausing, she was taking it all in The critic from the FT started sinking his claws in She'd have to start any moment now When the TV Presenter with no previous experience Of musical theatre began to sing And it was long, that first note High, that first note Would she drop at the first hurdle she came to? The pens would drip blood on the notebooks Mud would be thrown at her good looks Why would she ever put herself through this? Tenderly, she sang a middle C She pulled it off, so she sang a D An F and an A, a C and a B It sounded rather sweet The audience looked at their fellow man They nodded once, and then the smiling began And from the upper tiers, the cheering rang They rose to their feet The cynics had been proven wrong! The run would be "The Mousetrap" long! She'd only sung half a song, but hey! She could really sing! Put her face on everything! Only two months before the backlash begins! A certifiable CASH COW When the TV Presenter with no previous experience Of musical theatre began to sing

A nanny’s lot is not to be A teacher or a busy bee It’s not to be so stern and cruel When I try to bend every rule She should be smart and pretty too And darn my socks and buff my shoes And tuck me in when I feel ill And be lovely and kind If you were in trouble I’m sure you would agree You don’t need a superman You need a supernanny I want a nanny in a dress Who plays the flute and cheats at chess Who beats up bigger kids for me Who lets me jump on the settee A nanny should be slim and fit Should not have got about a bit She should be pure and innocent And not ask where her handbag went If you were in trouble I’m sure you would agree You don’t need a superman You need a supernanny So many things upon my list That she, in loco parentis, Should be, and how she should behave For we are kids and not her slaves She won’t get drunk on beer or stout If I light fires, she’ll put them out If I kick cats, she’ll understand Apologise to the milkman And bandage those I have injured Stop me jumping in manure And just to say, if I cause offence:- “I blame it all on their parents” If you were in trouble I’m sure you would agree You don’t need a superman You need a supernanny

I’m a musketeer and I slap my thigh I do the derring-do cause I’m a daring guy Catching people’s eyes as I pass them by Except on Laundry Thursdays I’m a musketeer, I’m built for power and speed I will storm a castle if it’s what the people need Sharpening my steel, winking at a girl On Laundry Thursday, I make sure the laundry is all done I’m a musketeer and I slap my thigh I do the derring-do cause I’m a daring guy Catching people’s eyes as I pass them by Except on Laundry Thursdays I’m a musketeer, I dominate our foes Drink a beer and swear allegiance, that’s how it goes Separate the light clothes and the dark clothes into piles Otherwise our white shirts come out a greyish mauve I’m a musketeer and I slap my thigh I do the derring-do cause I’m a daring guy Catching people’s eyes as I pass them by Except on Laundry Thursdays I’m a musketeer, I fight with real panache Check laundry powder levels, and top up the stash Iron and fold the laundry once it’s dried upon the rack I fight for truth and justice, except on Thursdays I’m a musketeer and I slap my thigh I do the derring-do cause I’m a daring guy Catching people’s eyes as I pass them by Except on Laundry Thursdays D’arcytagnan, do you wish to live the life we live Do you have the strength of will, moral imperative Can you test your fortitude, show grace while under fire? Can you operate a combo washer/tumble dryer? I am D’arcytagnan, and this my solemn vow It’s a musketeer that you see before you now For Ariel, for Ecover, for Persil, Bold and Surf I shall musketeer as long as I’m upon this earth I’m a musketeer and I slap my thigh...

It’s ever so glamorous, a life on the road Avoiding speed cameras and hauling wide loads Kings of the motorway, we hold them so dear There’s now a better way to grow your career Retrain, retrain Think of the things you can do with your brain The supply chain we wrecked it, so help us fix Brexit And retrain as an HGV driver One hand on a Ginsters, one hand on a wheel Stinking of diesel, it’s rich with appeal Towing tomatoes from Tyneside to Tewksbury Wouldn't it be better if we bought locally? Retrain, retrain Think of the things you can do with your brain We’re putting out feelers to steer 18-wheelers So retrain as an HGV driver HGV stands for Hawfully Great Variety HGV stands for Hope I Get Your Vote HGV stands for Horrifically Gigantic Vole And HGV stands for panic not plans and it’s creeping right into my soul “This supply chain business is very stressful, isn’t it. I suppose there are other jobs I could think about... Like...” Think of poor Fatima, she trained as a dancer Ballet don’t pay the bills, but we have the answer Defund the humanities, find the coder inside her Why be an artist? You could be in cyber Retrain, retrain Think of the things you can do with your brain Coding is more use than prancing in tutus So retrain from ballet to cyber

There’s a part of a life that’s tricky to ignore No matter how you battle, it’s knocking at your door Its call is elemental, its grip is wicked strong It’s both text and subtext of every Usher song I’m talking sexy business - doing it with a spouse Sweaty flailing limbs on every surface of the house Yet Chasterley fights back ‘gainst what society’s become Calling every Carpenter to do as he has done Abstain, abstain, abstain, abstain Never put your bits on anybody else again Abstain, abstain, abstain, abstain Abstention brings you closer to the Trapezoid Monica and Chandler were better ‘fore they boned Niles should have left Daphne helping Martin round his home The scottish nun in Call The Midwife should have stayed a nun They couldn’t keep it in their trousers, look what they’ve become Abstain, abstain, abstain, abstain I like big butts but I’ll leave yours alone, thanks all the same Abstain, abstain, abstain, abstain Abstention brings you closer to the Trapezoid Abstain, abstain, abstain, abstain No positions in a one night stand, no join me dancing naked in the rain Abstain, abstain, abstain, abstain Abstention brings you closer to the Trapezoid

I've got a taste for the macabre I've got a longing for the weird I know somewhere there's lunacy to spare Where sanity's grown a beard The pinnacle of human invention The absolute in absolutely nuts A crucible of all that's cool No ifs and no buts I want you to find it, I want you to find it Oh it would fill me with glee I want you to find my heart's desire The secret of the laborat'ry (The secret of the lab) What's that pickled in a jam jar? Oooh, what's that pinned onto the wall? A squirrel with a man's leg, a kitten in a Scotch egg A bulldog with no nostrils Oh what wonderment and mischief Oh what playful anarchy An elephant with mumps, a camel with no humps I long to see I want you to find it, I want you to find it Oh it would fill me with glee I want you to find my heart's desire The secret of the laborat'ry (The secret of the lab)

I don't know what I'm looking for, in truth A bit of colour to this scenery I know the grass is greener on the other side Someday I'll discover what I seek Somewhere Not like here There's a place Not like here Where I See that things are not like here I know the grass is greener Somewhere not like here Where every little hummingbird Wears suit and tie, where every little Dragonfly has made a sandwich Oh my Where every mountaintop has got A cherry perched upon its peak Where dogs glow neon as they sleep Oh my Somewhere Not like here There's a place Not like here Think of here and then change everything So the things are not like they are here I know the grass is greener Somewhere not like here Where every river runs with little Fishes playing sax in an Amazing underwater jazz band Oh my Where every snapdragon has a Trilby on, where every lamb Conveys a sense of disapproval Oh my Where every pony has a mortgage Except they call it horsegage Which is a classic example of pony humour Oh my Where every alligator sings Come On Eileen whilst drinking several Cup-a-soups a day, I'll say Oh my Somewhere....

In the prison there's a mean amphibian, Mean as he can be They want him separate from the others, Confined in solitary Solit’ry confinement has a nickname, They call it the Hole Stopping that amphibian from going in solit’ry, That's become my primary goal Don't put the Toad in the Hole - It's not his preferred environment Don't put the Toad in the hole - It fails his basic room requirements Put him in a swamp, Or on a damp old log But don't put the Toad in the Hole The Hole is small without a window, Lunch is mean and cruel (You don’t) choose between pie or a / nice roast dinner, “You, Toad! Grits or gruel?” What I wouldn't give for a picnic now, With cakes and squash and all Or sausages baked in batter, What’s the name of that? I can’t recall Don't put the Toad in the Hole - Turns out he’s got claustrophobia Don't put the Toad in the hole - It does not need to be toadier Put him in a boat, On a lovely summer’s day But don't put the Toad in the Hole I bet there’s rich stoats eating in a fancy Toad mansion They’re probably drinking squash and have their feet up on a cushion But if they get away with this, that’s amphibian injustice Don’t put the toad in the hole Don't put the Toad in the Hole - Calling on you sympathisers Don't put the Toad in the hole - Only two stars on TripAdvisor Put him in a velvet smoking jacket with the Queen But don't put the Toad in the Hole

Gentle friends, you must worry not, Though we might seem in a tight spot “Aladdin in this climate? Surely not! It isn’t appropriate!” (But don’t) gasp your angriest gasp, Madam, leave those pearls unclasped For we’ve something kindly to ask: Look a little closer We’re not wearing shemagh and agal We’re only just out of the bath These are not piles of delicious spice We spilt our poster paints out on the path These chickens in crates are not being sold They’re from a coop in a garden in Ellerton Road Though it’s bizarre, it’s not a bazaar It’s only Tolorth Broadway Do not worry, please settle down - Tolorth Abu Darcy is a made-up town So don’t give our dressing up a dressing down - We’re on a technicality It’s awkward, I’d have to agree, But imagine a land of genies Accessible from the A3, Just off a magic roundabout The stalls don’t sell those curly shoes It’s a pound for a punnet of plums That’s not an exotic belly dancer That man has a t-shirt too small for his tum That’s not a snake in a hypnotic trance It’s a sausage dog posing for her Instagrams Though it’s bizarre, it’s not a bazaar It’s only Tolorth Broadway That man didn’t climb up a magical rope It’s a living statue up a pole That’s not a mystic, dazed and confused It’s a mum from a party at the Charrington Bowl The Tolorth Delight is as sweet as it gets The camel escaped from the Aquapets Though it’s bizarre, it’s not a bazaar It’s only Tolorth Broadway

Nothing happened in ‘59, and nothing’s gonna happen in 1960 Everyone sat on a hot sandy beach and ignored our nuclear age Come jump the waves that crash on the shore We’re never gonna die in a nuclear war You look really cute in your bathing suit And I’m hotter than a mushroom cloud - oh oh oh Nothing happened when we were nineteen, and nothing’s gonna happen now that we are twenty Everyone kissed underneath the stars, knowing we could die any day Come dance with me to Dave “Baby” Cortez Let’s ignore everything the President says You’d be such a hunk in the nuclear bunker (Let’s) start the human race again - oh oh oh Nothing happened when we were in school, and nothing’s gonna happen now that we’ve left school Janie got a job and Leon got a job and Dick went to Vietnam Lay out the blanket on the perfect sand This is what the Bible calls the promised land You look such a dish that I almost wish We could duck and cover every day - oh oh oh Nothing’s gonna happen, nothing’s gonna happen Nothing’s gonna happen, nothing’s gonna happen Nothing’s gonna happen, nothing’s gonna happen Nothing’s gonna happen, no Nothing happened in ‘59, and nothing’s gonna happen in 1960 Everything’ll stay just exactly the same like a taxidermy fish in a frame I can do the twist and the box-step, baby Let’s ignore the dread that consumes us daily I feel mighty fine with your little hand in mine Living here directly in harm’s way - oh oh oh

“Judy, well, Judy, she liked to surf” That’s what it’ll say on my tombstone one day “Judy, well, Judy didn’t like much else” I’m nineteen and I’m going through a misanthropic phase “Judy, did you hear it on the radio They said there’s three steps to heaven” Frankly, I think they overestimate I can reduce that number by two There’s only one One step to heaven One - just a single step When the wave holds you in its hand When you take a single step, when you make your stand When you’re finally free That’s one step to heaven for me (But what about boys? What about cars?) I don’t even recognise what they are (What about pearls and diamond rings?) You can keep all of those trivial things I need the sun and the sand and the ocean wide I need girl and surfboard unified I’ve got a fascinating brain I wanna peek inside And I want to be left alone There’s only one One step to heaven One - just a single step When you rise up to your feet, ocean rushing by When you dance upon the point between sea and sky When you’re finally free That’s one step to heaven for me (But what about school, and your education?) I don’t need any more information (What about your life? You’re washing your youth!) Listen carefully, and I’ll tell you the truth All I know is now, so now is all I need If my future’s bleak, at least my youth was free Besides, I know the future isn’t guaranteed So I want to be left alone

I am allergic to the sun And this air’s not polluted like I like I am agnostic about the sea And these wide open spaces terrify me Take me back to the city It’s horrible there, and I love it so This whole rigmarole Doesn’t like me at all And the feeling is mutual I am opposed to being young Having fun is not on my itinerary I’ve got a grudge with that seagull He looks at me with such superiority Take me where the roads are concrete Where cigarette ash dusts the city streets This whole environ Seems totally wrong I’ve already stayed far too long I am allergic to the sun And the sky - there’s just too much of it I changed my mind about the sea The mere idea now depresses me Take me where I don’t stand out Where there’s thousands of anxious nerds like me This whole trip I wish I’d skipped And I need to get a grip But I am allergic to the sun

This is the home that we made We gathered every log and every leaf Every branch and twig Whether small or big I'm still pulling bits out my teeth So gather round the table for some tea And we'll enjoy each other's company There's no need to go Out into the snow When it's five below There's a place we know Hot damn! It's good to have a hot dam Good lord! Especially one that you've gnawed A cosy place Within a wintry land It's good to have a good hot dam Ladle out the soup and cut the bread Take the woolly hat off of your head Haroo Hooray You've come to stay I will go extend the sofabed Surround yourself with laughter and with cheer Pour yourself another ginger beer You want fish? We've got some Strawberry tarts! And iced buns! A glass of wine! You're too young We're glad you could come Hot damn! It's good to have a hot dam Good lord! Especially one that you've gnawed A cosy place Within a wintry land It's good to have a good hot dam Though this land is in a mess While we have friends there's still hope left It'll be better some day It's good to know you're not alone There's somewhere that is home from home If you ever pass this way Hot damn! It's good to have a hot dam Good lord! Especially one that you've gnawed A cosy place Within a wintry land It's good to have a good Hot dam! It's good to have a hot dam Good lord! Especially one that you've gnawed A cosy place Within a wintry land It's good to have a good hot dam

We live a life of reflection and prayer Filling our lungs with fresh mountain air It’s not half as bad as it sounds Yes, we live to a timetable That’s famously inflexible But it’s not half as bad as it sounds But like a sore thumb, one nun sticks out Though she is equally devout Does her own thing and doesn’t seem to care She’s late again, it’s just not right Mother Superior should say “On your bike!” How do you solve a problem like The nun in the naughty chair? Walking in daydreams for hours and hours The vegetable patch, she planted flowers We can’t eat begonias, we need carrots She just doesn’t think, she’s got no brain Hangs clothes out to dry in the pouring rain You should hear the words she taught the convent parrot We spotted symptoms of ADHD If she got diagnosed, well then what would that mean? We’ve no idea where to go from there That she could improve, I greatly doubt Mother Superior should kick her out Life would be easier without The nun in the naughty chair I’ve had a hunch it would come to this Since her hair was in bunches and she spoke in a lisp I feel like my hands are tied Over life’s obstacles, I gave her help We climbed every mountain she made for herself I wish I knew how to make it right There’s a solution better, I’m sure Than simply showing her the door But God help me, can’t find it anywhere So much for being wise or whatever Mother Superior’s at the end of her tether But up his sleeve God has got something clever For the nun in the naughty chair She’s late again, it’s just not right Mother Superior should say “On your bike!” How do you solve a problem like The nun in the naughty chair?

If you want to make the world a better place Take a look around Find a way to lend a hand What’s lost can be found All for one means all of us So we make this vow: Not one person crying in the cold Not one person without a hand to hold Home and warmth and peace for everyone We mean all when we say ‘all for one’ We can bring the tired and hungry people in From the frozen shores Not on planes to other lands Safe from pain and war Yes in my back yard, in fact Why not come indoors? Not one person crying in the cold Not one person without a hand to hold Home and warmth and peace for everyone We mean all when we say ‘all for one’ There are people saying “all for me” We say all for one There are people saying “not for you” We say all for one There are people saying Voting can be fun! Not one person crying in the cold Not one person without a hand to hold Home and warmth and peace for everyone We mean all when we say ‘all for one’

Look who’s come to see us Some of these faces are new Some of these faces aren’t the faces I’ve seen While I’ve been tucked up in my room Look at your lovely outfits Ladies, you are looking fit Gentlemen, you’re looking fit as well You’ve clearly taken some time over it I thought I was fine, but it’s taken me by surprise Something I now realise We’re people who need people And we need you people near It’s been a very long time without you And we’re so glad that you’re here There are so many things I want to tell you Stories and jokes to hear This is a song to say that it’s been too long And we’re so glad that you’re here This is a song to say that it’s been too long And we’re so glad that you’re here Look who’s come to join us A new small person in town Mamas and mamas and papas and papas Overwhelmed, and so tired, but so proud We know that it takes a village Well, this is the village you’ve got Uncles and aunts to love you when you are good And love you double when you are not Thought we had all we need, but we needed one more Someone we’d been waiting for We’re people who need people And we need you people near It’s been a very long time without you And we’re so glad that you’re here There are so many things I want to tell you Stories and jokes to hear This is a song to say that it’s been too long And we’re so glad that you’re here This is a song to say that it’s been too long And we’re so glad that you’re here

She was lithe and willowy Her lips were soft and pillowy Her nose in hue was reddish A couple of burst capillaries She asked me if I travelled My defences all unravelled Son of a cow, wow oh wow Guess where I am now I'm on holiday with the Major's daughter What will the Major say When he finds out that I'm out and about With his daughter on holiday In my life I've had my finger in many pies None as embarrassing as this I'm on holiday with the Major's daughter In major bliss I'm but a shy lieutenant so When he says "squat" I say "how low?" I pictured my dismissal As we pumped upon the pedalo Explain it truthfully That she invited me But the facts don't lie, I'm near Dubai With the apple of his eye I'm on holiday with the Major's daughter What will the Major say When he finds out that I'm out and about With his daughter on holiday In my life I've had my finger in many pies None as embarrassing as this I'm on holiday with the Major's daughter In major bliss (And the Major's daughter says) A Major's daughter ought to be Brave, exuberant and free I put this theory forward He applied the suncream liberally Lieutenants obey Pa And I'm his shining star Where's the guilt if he's smartly built In a regimental kilt You're on holiday with the Major's daughter Who cares what the Major says When he finds out, if he will, which I doubt That you're with me on holiday In my life I've been with privates Dragoons and colonels too I'll graduate to generals by next year You're on holiday with the Major's daughter It's nice round here (And the Major says:) I'm the Major, obviously My stern moustache is military I practice zero tolerance I suffer fools ungladly I wonder who she took For I would throw the book At underlings whose fumblings Preceded wedding rings So who's on holiday with the Major's daughter That's what the Major hums It aggravates him to the state Where he speaks in the third person Teenagers will frolic, he's aware of this He wasn't born yesterday Still he wonders who's got his daughter On holiday

War – what is it good for? And combat is no good Don’t eat wrath’s grapes Stay out of scrapes Do what you know you should Spread peace not pugilism Hum tunes, don’t spread dischord If you don’t punch I have a hunch You’ll reap a large reward Cause fighting gets you nowhere It’s finally been said Yes, fighting gets you nowhere So be friendly instead Don’t let anger be the boss of you He pays a poor income Act violently And you’ll soon see How petty life becomes So fill trenches with geraniums Put down your boxing gloves Let’s all rush in To discussion Harmony and love Cause fighting gets you nowhere It’s finally been said Yes, fighting gets you nowhere So be friendly instead But sometimes fighting is okay When you fight metaphorically So fight the good fight Without fighting That’s as clear as it can be Cause fighting gets you nowhere It’s finally been said Yes, fighting gets you nowhere So be friendly instead